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托福考场作文分析:为什么感觉考得很好,结果只有20分?

Lily老师从业5年 已帮助 300名学员实现留学梦

今天,老师要诊断一篇考场20分的托福作文。 

这位同学9.26日考试出分。考完自己的思路感觉写得没问题,结果分数只有20分。


如果你对托福学习 有兴趣,请联系我们的老师~


2020.9.26日考题


Parents give their children[primary school students] weekly money to buy whatever they want. Some people think this can cause bad habits and ideas about money in children. Others think the opposite. What’s your opinion?

(重复了2017.11.11日考题。)

一. 20分考场作文


Education plays an increasingly important role in people's life. Some educators argue that giving children weekly money may cause bad habits and ideas about money in children. In my opinion, it is better to give children weekly money. 

Admittedly, children's ability to managing money is not as well as adults' ability.  For instance, luring by the sales promotions and images of celebrities, children may buy some things that they really don't need. However, they can learn from those failures and overcome this bad habit. So the disadvantage of this move can be overshadowed by its benefits.

 

First, giving children weekly money can strengthen the relationship between children and their parents. Children can feel that their parents trust their ability to manage money and give them freedom to buy everything they want. What's more, sometimes children can use those money to buy some surprises for their parents. This move can strengthen the bond between them and their parents. Take me for example. My parents used to give me weekly money when i was a primary school student. Just a few weeks before my mom's birthday, i began to save my weekly money. Thanks to those money, i bought the most beautiful flowers in the store for my mom. My mother was really surprised. Until now, she could still recall the excitement at that time.

 

Second, this move can develop children's independent ability, like managing money. Although parents can help their children to manage money when they are young, children have to manage it by themselves once they are adults. Giving weekly money when they are young, parents can improve children's ability to manage money. When they are young, children may prefer to spend money on some electronic devices rather than on a travel or a concert. One day they could find that they are not interested in those devices they bought before any more but they could still remember those interesting stories happened during trips. As a result, they will know that they should spend money on those more important and desirable things. They can learn how to manage money through their failures.

 

In a nutshell, there is every reason to believe that giving children weekly money is a better choice.



二. 逐句点评:

开头段:
1. Education plays an increasingly important role in people's life. Some educators argue that giving children weekly money may 2.cause bad habits and 3.ideas about money in children. 4.In my opinion,it is better to give children weekly money. 


开头段三要素: 背景句+题目转述+自己总观点。这位同学做得都不太好。


 1 . 背景句跟题目基本无关,且空洞。没有意义,删除。

2. 3. 较好对题目进行转述:give rise to/is the culprit of =cause; 或者cause children to get into bad spending habits.

4.上下句逻辑不太连贯,建议增加链接词:加【However】, in my opinion, … .

或者 ...children, while(用while连接前后2个句子,表示对比"然而") in my opinion, it ..


中间段1:
Admittedly, 5.children's ability 6.to managing money is not as 7.well as adults' ability.  For instance, 8.luring by the sales promotions and images of celebrities, children may 9.buy some things that they really don't need. However, they can learn from 10.those failures and 11.overcome this bad habit. 12.So the disadvantage of this move can be overshadowed by its benefits.

中间段1是让步段. 问题也很多。

首先让步观点出错。 其次,词汇搭配不当,语法错误。 


5.让步观点句并没有直接回应题目: 可以改成-->这种随意支配的零花钱可能被孩子们浪费掉。This kind of pocket money is likely to be wasted by children.

6..词搭配错误:ability to manging 改成-->to manage

7.形容词选择: well,做形容词时.多表示,身体好。well -->good/great/solid

8.动词形式错误:luring --> lured by ..

9.表达空泛: 改成实际细节举例:buy some things --> children may squander their money on snacks, video games, and parties.

10.名词选择不恰当:花钱*不需要的事物,不应该是failure. 改成experiences.

11.动词搭配不当:克服坏习惯,应该是:break/get out of the poor habit. 

12. so, 表示"因此,所以"时,是连词,需连接2个句子。这里只有一个句子,应该改用副词:Therefore,


中间段2:

First, giving children weekly money can strengthen the relationship between children and their parents. Children can feel that their parents trust their ability to manage money 13.and give them freedom to buy everything they want. 14.What's more, 15.sometimes children can use those money to buy some surprises for their parents. This move can 16.strengthen the bond between them and their parents. Take me for example. My parents used to give me weekly money when I was a primary school student. 17.Just a few weeks before my mom's birthday, I began to save my weekly money. Thanks to those money, I bought the most beautiful flowers in the store for my mom. My mother was really 18.surprised. Until now, she could still recall the excitement at that time. 19

中间段2用1个解释+1个体例子论证观点。

主要问题是例子比较跳跃,并不完整,没有写明例子跟观点之间的关系。所以展开不充分。  

因为内容的逻辑不完整,因此句子也很简单,词汇也重复。 


2.jpg


13.连词使用不当,前后不是并列关系:trust their ability ..and give 改成--> by giving 【通过…的方式】

14.逻辑词使用不当:这一个因果逻辑推论还未完成。前后不是又起一层因果解释的递进关系。改成:in return

15.句子逻辑不完整/选词不恰当:buy 【 some suprise-->presents】 for their parents 【 + 目的 to express their gratitude】.

16.用词重复。改成: bind them together/ cement their relationship.

17.句子逻辑不完整:I began to save money 【+目的to buy a special gift for her/to buy her favorite flowers as her birthday present 】.

18.用词不准且重复:surprised--> touched, for it was the first time I gave her a present.

19. 例子不完整:母亲很意外,记得那个时候的兴奋。跟分论点“strengthen the relationship between children and parents”之间没有关系。应该再进一步论证:如果我父母之前没有信任我,让我拥有自己的零花钱,我就不会这么感谢他们的信任,主动给我妈妈买礼物。


中间段3:

Second, this move can 20.develop children's independent ability, 21.like managing money. Although parents can help their children to manage money when they are young, children have to 22.manage it by themselves once they are adults. Giving weekly money when they are young, parents can improve children's ability to manage money. When they are young, children may prefer to spend money on some electronic devices 23.rather than on a travel or a concert. One day they could find that they are not interested in those devices they bought before any more but 24.they could still remember those interesting stories happened during trips. As a result, they will know that they should spend money on those more 25.important and desirable things. They can learn how to manage money through their 26. failures. 27.

中间段3的主要问题是,展开跑题。展开内容和“进步独立能力”并没有关系。  


20.用词不简洁:develop ..independent ability-->encourage/promote independence

21.前后逻辑问题:管理钱财并不是independence的一种举例。

22.内容重复,空泛: 一个句子中出现2次manage money。改成 children have to draw up sensible budgets and stick to it.

或者学具体内容children have to budget carefully so they can cover college tuition or afford a comfortable apartment. 

23.动词搭配:prefer …rather than改成:to

24.前后逻辑错误:上文写到孩子们并没有花钱去旅行/去听音乐会。下文却写到他们能记得旅行中发现的有趣故事。逻辑不连贯。

25.上下文内容不连贯: 下文说孩子们知道应该花钱在更重要和称心的事物上。但前文内容并没有表明,旅行和音乐会比电子设备更重要和称心, 或者电子设备不重要的证据。

26. 用词错误:failure 用词不当.

27. 整个文段结束,这位同学还没写到“给孩子零花钱”跟独立能力之间的关系。



总的来说,
一. 根据评分标准,整篇文章的问题很明显:


1. 展开有限 (somewhat developed的解释,举例) 
只想着把自己的想法表达出来,而忽视要紧扣分论点进行论证。写着写着就跑题了。
2. 逻辑跳跃(connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured)
文段展开部分,很多地方都没有直接支撑自己的观点。
逻辑跳跃,这也导致句子大多很短,没有体现对长句的掌握。
3. 词汇量不够(limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary)。
很多搭配的错误,词汇也很重复。 没有体现词汇的多样性。
4. 细小的语法错误较多。 

二. 进步方向:
1. 多进行审题和文段展开练习。进步扣题论证能力。尤其要复习写作团day5:分论点的写作;day9:因果逻辑展开;day10:个人例子展开。 
2. 复习写作团day8--长句的写作练习。 
3. 加大输入,扎实背诵词汇。 比如,写作团里推送的素材。多熟背。考试的时候才能想起来,且熟练御用。 


总结


大家每次拿到成绩后先冷静。如果成绩不够理想,绝大部分是自己的问题。可以自己复述一下自己写过的作文,有助于自己反思,或者拿给朋友批改一下。如果其他人都觉得你写得不错,可以考虑复议。

如果你对托福学习 有兴趣,请联系我们的老师~





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