1. She used to be indifferent to the outside world, but an interloper changed her.
2. Her indifference to the outside world was changed by and interloper.
1. Driven by an interest in words, Claire kept trying poetry, novelsand literature analyses, but she hardly succeeded in any of these endeavors at the very beginning.
2. Driven by an interest in words, Claire kept trying poetry, novels and literature analyses—all with little initial success.
1. It was meant to be a brief parting, but it turned into a long, lingering one.
2. What was meant to be a brief parting turned into a long, lingering one.
第二句读起来更加集中、紧凑，并且去掉了"It was, but it…”等鸡肋部分。
1. Once arriving home, she starts to review all the notes, not necessarily because the teacher requires her to do so,but because she encourages herself to study hard.
2. Once arriving home,she starts to review all the notes, as much from the requirement of the teacher,as from herself-encouragement.