WRITING TASK 2
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
Some people believe that time spent on television, video and computer games can be valuable for children. Others believe this has negative effects on a child.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
[学生习作]
Nowadays, majority1 of people believe that children who spent2 time to play games3 and watching TV can benefit from it; meanwhile, other people supposed4 that it can bring more negatives5 effects for children. In my opinion, it is hard to tellthe advantages outweigh the negativities both argument6.
First of all7, TV, video and computer games can help children to develop their extensive8 imagination. An increasing number of experts point out that along with the intelligence’s accumulation9, children ought to gain more wide10 knowledge’s11 besides the textbooks. Wild imagination involved various add-extracurricular12 activities are extremely significant for children during them growing up13. Comparing with14 monotonous textbooks study, children can acquire abilities of distinguishing what are kind and what are evil from the movies and some computer games and how to appreciate beautiful pictures, music, moreover, 15even can help them answered16 the questions that they faced come17 from lesson. As an old saying goes: all study no play makes jack a dull boy.
Although have such advantages on those aspects18, however,19children who play computer games and watching20 TV often get lots of negative effects of studying and identifying something21. A resent 22 survey shows that children who spent23 three hours every day watching TV and play24 computer games than25 spent an hour children on TV programs and games have a less26mark of end of term year even developing bad habits27. For instance, TV programs so strong fascinate28 that children can not resist the attraction, furthermore29，they forgotten30 to finish their homework. And also some violent pictures and adult programs let them to indulge31. In fact, children have not got right judgment in their childhood32.
In sum up33, from what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that children should be instructed rightly34by their teachers and parents to attain other valuable knowledge besides the textbooks.
[错误注释]
1．缺少定冠词，应改为the majority of
2．时态错误，应用一般现在时spend
3．一般用spend time doing sth. 所以改为spend time playing games
4．时态错误，应该用一般现在时，且suppose意为假设，一般不用来引出辩论观点，可改用argue
5 应该为negative
6．整句话改为it is hard to tell whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
7．这里的连接词使用有误，因为文章的主题段落是从正反两方面论证，因此这里应该用On the one hand比较恰当
8．extensive不能用来修饰imagination，可去掉(或改为creative)
9．我们可以说intellectual growth/development（智力发展）或accumulation of knowledge（知识积累），但从不说intelligence’s accumulation,
10．wide的比较级应为wider 不是 more wide
11．knowledge为不可数名词，不加s或’s
12．没有add-extracurricular这个词，用extracurricular即可表达“课外”的意思
13．应为during their growth
14．应改为compared with
15．应用大写Moreover, …另起一句，
16．改句缺乏主语，且answer时态错误，应改为these movies and games can even help them answer
17．应改为they may have to answer in class
18．Although引出从句，也需要有主语，改为Although watching video and playing computer games have these advantages,
19．although引出从句后，主句不需要再用到however，去掉however
21．此处identify something意思不明确，可以去掉。
22. 拼写错误，应为recent
23. 时态错误，改为spend
24．改为playing
25．比较级结构中的than…一般放在句子末尾。所以整句话的结构应调整为： children who…have a lower mark than those who…
26．分数更低一般用lower mark
27．developing应改为develop。在表达甚至…这样的概念时，一般还是另起一句完整的句子来表达。所以这里可以改为 Some of them may even form bad habits.
28．改为are so fascinating that…
29．应该用大写Furthermore，引出另一句完整的句子
30．时态错误，应该为forget
31．indulge一词的用法一般是sb. indulge in doing sth. 不说sth. let sb. indulge。
32．have not got改为do not have更正式一些。且此句话显得有些多余。
33．改为”To sum up…”
34．rightly改为properly
[房老师点评]
这篇学生习作在新的半分制评分标准下大概可以得到5.5分。下面我们从雅思考试写作评分的四个方面来对这篇学生习作进行点评：
u Task 1评分标准之一“Task Response”
Task Achievement（任务完成）
In both Academic and General Training Modules Task 2 requires
the candidates to formulate and develop a position in relation to a
given prompt in the form of a question or statement. Ideas
should be supported by evidence, and examples may be drawn
from the candidates’ own experience. Responses must be at
least 250 words in length.
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从task response的角度来看本文基本符合要求但也出现了问题。字数方面，本文充分达到了雅思议论文的字数要求。从辩论的角度来说，作者在首段提出 “很难说是优点多还是缺点多”，暗示了作者在这个问题上的折中立场。接下来的理由段中，作者分别从优点和缺点两方面进行论证，来支持该折中观点。主题段中的理由充分，给出了具体的实例。可惜的是，作者的结尾段显得比较仓促且单薄，而且稍有偏题（题目要求讨论的是小孩看电视玩游戏好不好，但是作者的结尾段提出的总结观点是小孩要学习课本以外的知识）。
u Task 2评分标准之二“Coherence and Cohesion”
Coherence and Cohesion（连贯与衔接）
This criterion is concerned with the overall clarity and fluency of the message: how the response organises and links information
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本篇文章作者用到了双边讨论的结构，从优点和缺点两方面进行论证。并且有明显的introduction-body-conclusion的行文结构，所以总体结构上说是比较清晰的。不过在第二段的段首，作者使用了first of all，而后续文字或段落却并没有具有并列或递进关系的文字出现，破坏了文章的整体连贯性。此外，因为语言的使用不恰当也造成了读者对个别句子意思的理解障碍，导致思路不连贯。
u Task 2评分标准之三“Lexical Resource”
Lexical Resource （词汇资源）
This criterion refers to the range of vocabulary the candidate has used and the accuracy and appropriacy of that use in terms of the specific task.
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在词汇的运用上，本文出现了较为丰富的词汇资源，但某些词的词性和搭配出现错误。前者具体可表现在注释5，24，27和28，后者表现为注释3，8 ，19，14，26，31和33。
u Task 2评分标准之四“Grammatical Range and Accuracy”
Grammatical Range and Accuracy （语法多样性和准确性）
This criterion refers to the range and accurate use of the candidate’s grammatical resource as manifested in the candidate’s writing at the sentence level.
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语法的多样性和准确性是本文失分的一个主要方面，主要体现在以下几点：
时态错误：文章中出现了一些明显的时态错误，如注释2，4，16和23
比较级的用法：比如注释10
缺少主语：比如注释18
句式错误：在表达比较级的基本句式上犯了比较明显的错误，如注释25
标点符号和大小写：比如注释15, 29
其他，如缺少冠词，副词的使用不恰当等，比如注释1和注释34
[修改后的文章]
Note：This corrected essay is not to be taken as a standard response to the tasks, but merely as an improvement to the student’s sample writing.
此篇修改过的文章尽量忠实于作者的原文，原作者的行文结构和思路都没有变化，只是对出现错误或影响理解的文字方面进行了修订。因此本文并不代表一篇针对此考题的优秀范文。请读者把阅读的重点放在原文和修订之后的文章的对比上。
Nowadays, the majorityof people believe that children benefit from time spent on watching TV or playing computer games. Meanwhile, other people argue that it can bring more negatives effects to children. In my opinion, it is hard to tellwhether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
On the one hand, TV, video and computer games do help children to develop their imagination. An increasing number of experts point out that children ought to gain a wider range of knowledge besides what they have learned in textbooks. Various extracurricular activities are extremely significant for children during their growth. Compared with monotonous textbooks study, children can acquire abilities of distinguishing what are kind and what are evil from movies and computer games. They can also learn how to appreciate beauty through pictures or music. Moreover, these kinds of experience can help children answer the questions that they might be asked in class.
Although watching TV or playing computer games can have such advantages, they can have negative influence on children who do so too often. A recent survey shows that children who spend three hours every day watching TV and playing computer games often get a lower mark at the end of the term than those who only do so for less than an hour. That is because sometimes TV programs are so fascinating that children can not stop watching them. As a result, they forget to finish their homework. Even worse, some children may be indulged in watching violent or adult programmes.
To sum up, from what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that children should be instructed properly by their teachers and parents to attain other valuable knowledge besides the textbooks.
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